Sunday, August 28, 2011

emotional distress

i'm extremely disappointed right now.

the envelope containing my badge for the one day of PAX i was able to sign up for this year is nowhere to be found in my apartment. this could very well be because it is at the bottom of some random, anonymous, possibly sealed box either in my office or in my closet. considering there is not much else to go through at this point, i'd say that i've looked through just about every other possible place it could be. "bummed" would be an understatement for how i'm feeling about this right now.

most of my stuff is packed up in boxes. why? because $1000 is a bit much for me to pay for rent every month at the moment - not without a steady job that pays at least that much and still allows me at least 40 hours per week to work on games and neocade. (if this is not possible, there really is no point in living, ergo working). but rather than just close up shop, call it a day, and see how many graveyard shift convenience store jobs i can get, i'm going to stick with neocade. which means i still get to work on making games and getting better at making games and thus making better games, but it does mean that i do have to find cheaper living arrangements (i.e. with my parents). fortunately, neocade is still just me right now, so luckily this part is only complicated by the shameful fact that, yes, i will be living with old people for a bit. and at the moment things are really really hectic as we move through the logistics of getting all my crap out of this place and cleaning it up sufficiently.

so now i sit, drained, in my (still set up) office area. if i find this envelope with the badge in it within the next hour or two, the very next words out of my mouth will be "i'm going to pax, dad, see ya later". otherwise, i'm just in this quiet, slightly submissive, mopey state of organizing things so that they will fit nicely into boxes and hold together for a couple thousand miles. sitting down is a bit of a luxury right now (writing blog posts, doubly so) - maybe i'm just trying to find some enjoyment in the moment.

as much as i do see this as a beginning and not an end, i feel that i'm leaving a place that has made me happy for the past six years, that i won't have seattle outside my front door every day, and on top of that, missing the biggest gathering of gamers there is, which i had been going to every year since 2006, and had been planning to go to this year just before having to leave.(even extending out my stay as much as possible just to be able to go). and now i can't go because the envelope, which i probably set aside because i knew what was in there, got misplaced somehow. i feel this burning desire now to book tickets and travek to both PAX east and PAX prime next year, for all three days, the minute each becomes available for registration. yeah, that'll show fate who's boss.

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